Christ, I’ve been on a bit of a cold streak with the social media as of late. Recently, I wrote a thoughtful, unbiased blog post about my fondness for the word “faggot” that I promptly deleted (because I’m not Louis C.K., so it’s CLEARLY off limits!!!), and I wrote a tweet in which I used the word “retarded,” that a loyal follower of mine took objection to (Look out! Lenny Bruce reincarnate over here!) What is this, the fucking 1950s? Anyway, since I’ve been unemployed for 2 years and base my entire self-worth on whether or not people like me on the Internet, this has been a terrible, trying time for me.
    As I give it some thought, I guess I might contribute this “cold streak” to my recent mental breakdown, and my decision to move away from this vile, piss-soaked crater of despair they call LA. I’ve rotted here for 6 years, essentially against my will, because I was told “it’s where the business is.” Frankly, I don’t know what that means anymore. What I’ve learned about “the business” is that, in order to succeed, you need .0000000001% talent, and 99.9999999 (I’m not doing the proper math, fuck you) luck. I’ve watched peers who aren’t fit to wipe my ass get scripts and become successful TV writers, but I’ve also watched some very nice, talented people that DESERVE it get scripts, so maybe the system isn’t as fucked as I make it out to be, and maybe I just have a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE attitude…?
    But whatever, none of this is my point. What the hell am I talking about? Oh yeah! Proverbs, turns of phrase, words of wisdom, cliches, things people have been saying since the beginning of time because they think it means something “intelligent.” I want to talk about that.
    So you know phrases like “A penny saved is a penny earned” and “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones” and shit like that? Well fucking knock it off. Because these are RETARDED sayings (Oh shit, look out! A word we’re pretending is controversial!) Because I don’t care what era we’re in, if you break down these sayings (and COUNTLESS others like it), they’re completely without meaning, and total, utter, bullshit. A penny saved is a penny earned? Fucking… what… what are you talking about? A penny saved is a penny SAVED. And if you FOUND a penny, you didn’t EARN it. You FOUND it. And if you SAVED a penny, then you’re BROKE, and probably ME, because I still ROLL my pennies.

But anyway, this whole thing got me thinking… has it ever occurred to anyone that certain sayings have lasted the tests of time because of their STUPIDITY? That these phrases were just SO INCREDIBLY ASININE that people kept repeating them as a JOKE, and their staying power has been misinterpreted as intelligence?
    For example, once upon a time, some idiot from my hometown said “Sum bitchin’ dog, six foot tall at the hind leg!” …what? Like, that doesn’t mean ANYTHING. But it’s so MEMORABLE, that my friends and I have been saying it for YEARS. And I intend to say this to my CHILDREN. And I hope they pass it on to their CHILDREN’S CHILDREN. And I can imagine — and hope — that decades and decades and CENTURIES from now, some futuristic spaceman human on Mars will sit his son down after getting detention, and say, “Son… y’know… it’s like they always say… ‘sum bitchin’ dog, six foot tall at the hind leg.’” And that kid will be like “…yeah, I guess that makes sense” but not know what the fuck that means, but still do good by it anyhow. Do you know what I’m saying?
    I need to drink less, sure, but I also need to write more. Because I am a comedy writing GOD. A comedy writing GOD. And NOBODY tells me which words I can use and not use.

This is MY breakdown, not yours. You go wither in a corner silently with a pint of ice cream and have your breakdown. I’ll go drive my electric car into a fucking building.

Posted 24th February, 2012