I’m adopted. I was raised as an infant by two interested human beings in a small town called Richfield Springs, New York. It’s near Cooperstown, where the Baseball Hall of Fame is. The population is 1,264 people. We have a McDonald’s.

I spent Kindergarten through 12^th grade in the same structure. It’s called Richfield Springs Central School. There were approximately 44 people in my graduating class. I did really well in 4^th grade and went up to 5^th grade to do their math, and when 4^th grade was over, my fake parents were like, “shit, let’s just accelerate the little snot an entire grade,” and I thought, wow, great idea, because I thought I’d finally get the attention I wasn’t getting as a youngster (because my fake parents were getting a divorce, and that stuff takes time), so I skipped the grade, and none of my old 4^th grade friends gave a shit, and now I was upset because I wasn’t amongst my peers, and these new 6^th grade pricks started labeling me in a certain way, and so I started not doing well in school on purpose, and I drew really funny cartoons of all my teachers getting mutilated (but not with guns and stuff, like funny shit like being attacked by dogs) and I REALLY wanted to be a cartoonist at one point, but authority cracked its whip and my guidance counselor told me I was “troubled,” and so for his sake I “shaped up” and graduated with B grades and thought, “Whew, thank God this high school shit is over,” and I found online (“online” being a relatively new concept) a “stand-up comedy class,” which I wanted to do IMMEDIATELY, but my dad was like “blah blah blah, my adopted kid has to be THIS way, like a GI Joe action figure,” and then some things happened, and I ended up getting a bullshit bachelors degree and then GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL for some reason, and now I’ve wasted 6 years in LA doing things the way “other writers have done it,” and I’ve realized that that isn’t for me. And I owe almost 80K in student loans. And I’m exhausted. And I’m done.

I got off on a tangent there. The point of all this, is that I still remember the two most hurtful things that have ever been said to me by girls, and they were both during this high school period. Which makes it worse, because girls haven’t even mastered the art of breaking men at this point. I cringe at the thought of what these harpees are capable of now.

Anyway, this first one wasn’t really so bad, it was an innocent enough thing to say to a guy, if you’re a cunt, which she was, but goddammit I loved her anyway. Of all those 44 kids in my grade, she was my #1 crush, and I was lucky enough to have been assigned to sit next to her. Sitting there before class, over time, small talk actually developed. I mean, I wasn’t a fucking mute idiot like in those 80’s teen films, I could talk to a gal if I wanted, and I knew I had some funny shit to say to this bitch, but one time we were talking about what we wanted to do after high school (this was 9^th grade, I believe), and I said, “I want to be a comedian.” And she looked at me, and paused, and said, “Don’t you have to be funny to be a comedian?”

…I really don’t know what to type now. Like, in the same way that I didn’t know what to think then, I don’t even know what to TYPE now, having thought about it for 15 years. (Maybe that’s the problem, that I’ve been thinking about it for 15 years.)

Anyway, this next one was WOOOOORRRRRSE. It’s like, POETICALLY mean. Like, I INVITE chicks to use this on some guy that deserves it. It’s that gust of subzero air you inhale when you’re punched in the gut in December.

Minding my own business before Earth Science. Also 9^th grade. (What was it about 9^th grade?) I was yapping with a buddy of mine next to me, and kinda, sorta involving the chick in front of us. And I don’t know exactly what circle of Hell she was born in, but for some reason, at some point, she says “Will… you are a waste of blue eyes.”

…and that’s why I wear aviators in my avatar.

Wouldn’t that be a gay way to end this blog post? But no, seriously, that’s the worst thing anybody has ever said to me. And that girl is a cunt and I hope her next child is stillborn.

Posted 5th February, 2012