I think I speak for every hot blooded American boy when I say I LOVE space. And you figure every time a Rock n’ Roll Star sings about space, it’s probably going to be complimentary, right? WRONG. At least not in THIS case.

SPACE ODDITY by DAVID BOWIE

Ground Control to Major Tom
Ground Control to Major Tom
Take your protein pills
and put your helmet on

…wait a minute, what the fuck is he doing monkeying around in the capsule without his helmet on? They’re supposed to suit you up in the command center or something, THEN walk you out there fully dressed. This is only the most important moment in Tom’s life, and he’s dislodging his helmet because he forgot to take his gum out?!

Ground Control to Major Tom
Commencing countdown,
engines on
Check ignition
and may God’s love be with you

Yeah, right, I have a lot of faith in this man now. Are we sure those were protein pills he was taking?

This is Ground Control
to Major Tom!
You’ve really made the grade!
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Now it’s time to leave the capsule

if you dare!

Okay, well, maybe I was being a little hard on the guy. I mean, it is cool that he’s an astronaut and famous and everything. I guess what I’m trying to say—

This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
And I’m floating
in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

…Major Tom, this is Ground Control here, what exactly does that mean? We have been training you for this moment six days a week for the past six years. Can anybody here confirm that it was in fact PROTEIN PILLS Tom ingested today?

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there’s nothing I can do

Tom, Ground Control here. Now look, this is no time for hysterics. You’re in space. If you’re not feeling up to this, stay in the cabin. I repeat, STAY IN THE CABIN—

Though I’m past
one hundred thousand miles
I’m feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go
Tell my wife I love her very much
she knows

Now Tom, I can assure you, this spaceship needs YOU to pilot it, okay? Now listen, we brought in Dave [THEY’VE PHONED IN HIS FRIEND DAVE] and he’s going to talk you down from this… [HEADSET RUSTLING] T—Tom? It’s me, Dave. You gotta get ahold of yourself man. Let’s go fishing this weekend, talk it out brother, you know we—

Ground Control to Major Tom
Your circuit’s dead,
there’s something wrong
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you— [GUNSHOT]

Biggest disaster in NASA history, and trust me, they’ve had their share. The moral of the story: screen your astronauts better for signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Posted 27th January, 2012