“The 12 Days of Christmas” is pure lunacy. I don’t even know where to begin.

Nevermind the fact that Christmas doesn’t actually unfold over 12 days. I mean, sure, 12 days of Christmas, that’s cute. It’s a nice thought, isn’t it? Sounds like a lot of fun. I think they even did that in medieval times or something.

But it’s clear to me that this “true love” being sung about is actually a man on the edge, a man capable of horrific, unspeakable acts.

Think about it. This guy — I’ll assume it’s a guy, probably a jealous ex-boyfriend blinded by rage — is dumping some pretty weird shit on this poor person. The gifts being described in this song are both highly impractical and startlingly creepy, and the SHEER NUMBER of them is enough to make anybody fear for their safety.

Because here’s what I think most people are missing: THE NUMBER OF GIFTS BEING GIVEN IS ACTUALLY MORE THAN YOU THINK.

The song starts out with:

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

A partridge in a pear tree.

…okay, I mean, I guess. I don’t know how you expect the partridge to STAY in the damn tree, first of all, and second of all, who’s to say a pear tree is going to thrive in that particular climate? What if you’re from the desert, or a place with shitty soil? But then it goes:

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

2 turtle doves

AND a partridge in a pear tree.

So that means this “true love” has brought two turtle doves, PLUS A DUPLICATE GIFT FROM YESTERDAY. This person now has TWO goddamn partridges in TWO pear trees!

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

3 French hens

2 (MORE) TURTLE DOVES

AND ANOTHER GODDAMN PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE.

This is already out of control. We’re only on day THREE, and so far we’ve accumulated a total of TEN GODDAMN BIRDS. So I can only assume this LUNATIC has some sort of bird fetish, and is now trying to start a fucking aviary in this poor woman’s garage.

Let’s fast forward to the eighth day of Christmas. This is where things turn especially grisly. Now the “true love” has given up on the birds, and STARTS GIFTING ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS:

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

8 maids a milking

Jesus Christ! Ed Gein over here is now abducting people and holding them against their will so he can live out some sick fantasy by gifting them AS IF THEY WERE OBJECTS. I can envision the “true love” chaining these poor women to the wall and carving Christmas trees into their flesh with a broken Coke bottle. By this time, one HAS to assume the person receiving these gifts has either fled to her mother’s house, or is also being held captive. Why don’t the neighbors call the police?! THE YARD IS LITTERED WITH BIRDS AND PEAR TREES THAT WEREN’T THERE EIGHT DAYS AGO. Somebody has to stop this!

…but they don’t. And it only gets worse. By the time we reach the twelfth day of Christmas, this criminally insane “true love” has left a path of destruction so macabre that even the most hardened FBI agents are puking in their shoes.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

12 drummers drumming

11 pipers piping

10 lords-a-leaping

9 ladies dancing

8 maids-a-milking

7 swans-a-swimming

6 geese-a-laying

5 golden rings

4 calling birds

3 French hens

2 turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

And that’s when our boy finally stops. But the damage is done. Because by day twelve, the grand total is actually:

TWELVE partridges in TWELVE pear trees

TWENTY TWO turtle doves

THIRTY French hens

TWENTY SEVEN calling birds

FORTY TWO geese-a-laying

FORTY TWO swans-a-swimming

FORTY maids-a-milking

THIRTY SIX ladies dancing

THIRTY lords-a-leaping

TWENTY TWO pipers piping

And TWELVE drummers drumming.

This person’s property has been transformed into the eighth circle of Hell. Battered, bloodied bodies everywhere; A SLEW of sick, malnourished birds; and a dozen rotting pear trees. And right before our “true love” puts a gun in his own mouth, he makes our victim sing a song about it into a tape recorder for the authorities to find. Sickening.

If they made a movie about this, it would be banned in seventeen countries. 

The ONLY glimmer of hope is that the forty golden rings left behind are, in fact, real, and can be pawned to help finance repairs to the property. 

God help us all…

Posted 19th December, 2011