February 2012
17 posts
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY
When I was a kid, I thought Matthew Wilder’s “Break My Stride” was actually saying “Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my spine!” and I remember thinking, Jesus, that’s a little macabre, but I guess it’s a respectable credo you could have. Maybe it was a song about the Terminator.
AWFUL, AWFUL CLICHES
Christ, I’ve been on a bit of a cold streak with the social media as of late. Recently, I wrote a thoughtful, unbiased blog post about my fondness for the word “faggot” that I promptly deleted (because I’m not Louis C.K., so it’s CLEARLY off limits!!!), and I wrote a tweet in which I used the word “retarded,” that a loyal follower of mine took objection to...
NO.
Nahhh, these “posts” of mine. Nobody seems to be into it.
Going back into seclusion for a while.
Twitter makes me sick, “jokes” make me sick, it’s all the same awful, formulaic bullshit. Some people make a living off it, others do not. Not my thing.
You know what is my thing?
LOCKSMITHING! (maybe?)
It’s a simple class! Easy! I’m going to learn that...
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY
I wish I could spend my birthday with you Snark assholes.
AXL ROSE
I don’t care what year it is, my favorite band of all time is Guns n’ Roses. I have every album, every bootleg, I know every song, I have a Gn’R tattoo on my left arm, no band’s songs make me want to strangle the opposition and get me through my problems more than Gn’R.
And I KNOW they broke up, and I KNOW it’s not the same, and I KNOW you’ll find TONS...
FASHION STATEMENT
I might start rocking “driving gloves” while driving my stupid car.
BEHIND ON THE TIMES
You guys familiar with this “Skype”? I’ve been “Skyping” today and it’s really neat! Who wants to Skype?!
A REAL GODDAMN MAN
I just installed a new voltmeter (“fuel” gauge) on my electric car! Look at that shit! SLEEK. ELEGANT. ZERO electrocutions. And it even WORKS!
THE SCARIEST FILM OF ALL TIME
Look, I’m not even going to waste your time explaining why this is the scariest film of all time — if you don’t know, I won’t ruin your life, so just forget it. But for those of you who know, let’s get into it—
Return to Oz. Ho. Ly. SHIT.
Do you know what terror looks like? It looks like THIS FILM.
Aw man, it was a terrible upbringing. I saw THIS movie...
HOLLYWOOD BULLSHIT BUZZWORDS
Here’s something completely ineffective but is continuously shoved down our throats by marketing wizards: “Inspired by True Events.” Yeah, no shit. Everything is. Now “Based on a True Story” still carries some weight, still gives your film a little oompf, you know? That’s an event that actually happened somewhere at sometime, and when film brings that event to...
A STORY
I’m adopted. I was raised as an infant by two interested human beings in a small town called Richfield Springs, New York. It’s near Cooperstown, where the Baseball Hall of Fame is. The population is 1,264 people. We have a McDonald’s.
I spent Kindergarten through 12th grade in the same structure. It’s called Richfield Springs Central School. There were approximately 44 people in my graduating...
FAVSTAR GUILT
I think I’m going to hire some interns to star people on Twitter for me, because I’ve gotten really bad at it and I worry everybody hates me.
THE BEST THING YOU'LL SEE ON TUMBLR TODAY
The Big Lebowski is my Star Wars. I can quote every line, I scoop up every piece of merchandise, and I attend as many Lebowski Fests as I can — I even rub elbows with the proprietors backstage and drink White Russians for free, and it’s always the highlight of my year.
I obtained this little gem when I was working for an abortion of a TV show called “Rita Rocks,” which...
THE THRYLL: A CHAUVINIST PIG
So I wrote the following piece of shit the other night when I was drunk and angry, and I thought really hard about scrapping it altogether, but looking at it now, I think there is some substance to it. One of my ex’s is a psychologist, which was a nightmare, because it fueled my inferiority complex and made me always try to outsmart her so I wouldn’t fit into one of her “textbook...