February 2012
16 posts
AWFUL, AWFUL CLICHES
Christ, I’ve been on a bit of a cold streak with the social media as of late. Recently, I wrote a thoughtful, unbiased blog post about my fondness for the word “faggot” that I promptly deleted (because I’m not Louis C.K., so it’s CLEARLY off limits!!!), and I wrote a tweet in which I used the word “retarded,” that a loyal follower of mine took objection to...
NO.
Nahhh, these “posts” of mine. Nobody seems to be into it.
Going back into seclusion for a while.
Twitter makes me sick, “jokes” make me sick, it’s all the same awful, formulaic bullshit. Some people make a living off it, others do not. Not my thing.
You know what is my thing?
LOCKSMITHING! (maybe?)
It’s a simple class! Easy! I’m going to learn that...
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY
I wish I could spend my birthday with you Snark assholes.
AXL ROSE
I don’t care what year it is, my favorite band of all time is Guns n’ Roses. I have every album, every bootleg, I know every song, I have a Gn’R tattoo on my left arm, no band’s songs make me want to strangle the opposition and get me through my problems more than Gn’R.
And I KNOW they broke up, and I KNOW it’s not the same, and I KNOW you’ll find TONS...
FASHION STATEMENT
I might start rocking “driving gloves” while driving my stupid car.
BEHIND ON THE TIMES
You guys familiar with this “Skype”? I’ve been “Skyping” today and it’s really neat! Who wants to Skype?!
A REAL GODDAMN MAN
I just installed a new voltmeter (“fuel” gauge) on my electric car! Look at that shit! SLEEK. ELEGANT. ZERO electrocutions. And it even WORKS!
THE SCARIEST FILM OF ALL TIME
Look, I’m not even going to waste your time explaining why this is the scariest film of all time — if you don’t know, I won’t ruin your life, so just forget it. But for those of you who know, let’s get into it—
Return to Oz. Ho. Ly. SHIT.
Do you know what terror looks like? It looks like THIS FILM.
Aw man, it was a terrible upbringing. I saw THIS movie...
HOLLYWOOD BULLSHIT BUZZWORDS
Here’s something completely ineffective but is continuously shoved down our throats by marketing wizards: “Inspired by True Events.” Yeah, no shit. Everything is. Now “Based on a True Story” still carries some weight, still gives your film a little oompf, you know? That’s an event that actually happened somewhere at sometime, and when film brings that event to...
A STORY
I’m adopted. I was raised as an infant by two interested human beings in a small town called Richfield Springs, New York. It’s near Cooperstown, where the Baseball Hall of Fame is. The population is 1,264 people. We have a McDonald’s.
I spent Kindergarten through 12th grade in the same structure. It’s called Richfield Springs Central School. There were approximately 44 people in my graduating...
FAVSTAR GUILT
I think I’m going to hire some interns to star people on Twitter for me, because I’ve gotten really bad at it and I worry everybody hates me.
THE BEST THING YOU'LL SEE ON TUMBLR TODAY
The Big Lebowski is my Star Wars. I can quote every line, I scoop up every piece of merchandise, and I attend as many Lebowski Fests as I can — I even rub elbows with the proprietors backstage and drink White Russians for free, and it’s always the highlight of my year.
I obtained this little gem when I was working for an abortion of a TV show called “Rita Rocks,” which...
THE THRYLL: A CHAUVINIST PIG
So I wrote the following piece of shit the other night when I was drunk and angry, and I thought really hard about scrapping it altogether, but looking at it now, I think there is some substance to it. One of my ex’s is a psychologist, which was a nightmare, because it fueled my inferiority complex and made me always try to outsmart her so I wouldn’t fit into one of her “textbook...
KICKING THE GODDAMN DOOR DOWN
We’re pitching to ICM today! Would you buy a show from this man?
January 2012
18 posts
KISS MY ASS, LOS ANGELES
I’m moving to New York soon.
I’ve spent the last 6 years living in Los Angeles trying to “make it” in as a TV writer. It has not panned out. In my experience, there are two things needed to climb the ranks as a TV writer: you have to be a hard worker, but more importantly, you have to “play the game.”
Can’t do the latter. It requires a certain degree...
THE FUTURE OF TELEVISION
We have a pitch meeting with ICM (International Cravers of MurderSquad) this Tuesday.
Does “Two and a Half Men” insult your intelligence and make you want to puke in your soup?
VOTE MURDER SQUAD
TWO THOUGHTS ON TAKING A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE...
Ever since that movie Airheads, I’ve been fascinated by the idea of someone holding a large group of people hostage. Especially when you’re in a position to start making demands that actually get fulfilled. That made me think… what if you took a large group of people hostage, and when it came time to demands, you just said “…y’know, I change my mind about this...
SPACE MADNESS
I think I speak for every hot blooded American boy when I say I LOVE space. And you figure every time a Rock n’ Roll Star sings about space, it’s probably going to be complimentary, right? WRONG. At least not in THIS case.
SPACE ODDITY by DAVID BOWIE
Ground Control to Major Tom Ground Control to Major Tom Take your protein pills and put your helmet on
…wait a minute, what...
SNEAK PEEK
Hey guys, since I like you so much, I thought I’d let you in on some RED HOT DIALOGUE from my upcoming novella:
“Tell your bitch you can’t deal with her crying, you’re going to the meat market to purchase $20 in jerky.”
Stay tuned for more RED HOT DIALOGUE from my upcoming novella!
-The Thryll
ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY
I think anyone looking for an uncomfortably invasive introspective journey should consider buying and restoring one of these: a 1980 ComutaCar up for auction on eBay RIGHT NOW.
Look, you don’t need to do this. But you SHOULD do this. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to snub your nose at the imaginary people you think are holding you back. Also, we would become best friends, and I...
AN ACHIEVABLE GOAL
I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that stepping into a new pair of socks is the greatest sensation of all time. I’ve always dreamed of wearing new socks every day of the week. Then you can just donate the old ones to a homeless shelter, or burn them in the back yard or some shit. But after doing some research, I’m excited to report that this is a very executable plan for...
THING I WOULD DO IF I WERE RICH
So my favorite human being in the world is “Nature Boy” Ric Flair. Now Ric Flair is known for a lot of things, but one of the things he’s becoming more and more well known for is his inability to handle money. You can read all sorts of morbidly humorous examples of this all over the internet. One such example is the hocking of 5-minute phone calls or 5-minute video chats on his...
THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME
Well, it’s that time of the night where I’ve consumed enough poison to have self esteem, and so I’m going to shove this down your throats:
MURDER SQUAD is finally going to get some goddamn Hollywood meetings!
You want to know why I’m so poor? It’s because I sank all of my money into this project. I believe in it, I believe it’s BETTER than the BEST on...
ONE BLOODY PISTACHIO
I HATE poetry, but I thought I’d write my first poem now:
One bloody pistachio
You were too hard to open
Now my fingernails are no more
No fingerprints to speak of
Blood on my trousers
I should’ve had chips
-The Thryll
MILLION DOLLAR SPINOFF
If ever there were a show that NEEDED a spinoff, it’s The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Because those “couple’a guys, they were up to no good”? I’d like to hear their take on what happened that day. Who’s to say Will didn’t do something obnoxious to instigate things? And if you believe him when he says he’s just been in “one little fight,”...
December 2011
25 posts
1 tag
SHIT YEAH COME TO THIS
Hey guys and gals that live in New York, for ONE NIGHT ONLY I am hosting an improv show on Thursday the 5th at the Triple Crown Ale House!
I cannot do improv. I’m scared of it. But you know who’s not? shiraselko! And she will be there!
http://www.facebook.com/events/117341061716966/
STUPID VEGAN LOGIC
One time this nitwit vegan chick tried to spoon-feed me her stupid vegan propaganda that was based around the following argument: humans are the only species that knowingly drink the milk of another species, and therefore it is “unnatural.”
Well let’s think about that for a second, Sally Shallots. Did you ever stop to consider that we’re the only species drinking another...
TWITTERERERERS THAT I LIKED IN 2011
This is in no way meant to undercut @tracy_marq’s amazing list, or even compliment it. These are just some folks that I personally liked (under 20K) that weren’t on hers. Hell, I don’t care if you follow these people or not. Who gives a shit?
1.) @fleshcake: Checking out some of these Target paintings in case I ever move into a butt.
*on a side note, @fleshcake is the King of...
VEGAS TWEETUP 2011
I miss my friends from the Vegas tweetup back in… When was that? May? June? I forget. Guys like — and I don’t use Tumblr that much, so I don’t know how to tag people or whatever — Fredasaurusrex, Matt Tice, cynicaljess, ongoingbs, theblessmess, Im_Tricia, Jusky, etc.
Bunch of pricks in real life. All of them.
SUCCESSFUL DAD MEME
So I’m very happy that I inspired at least a handful of people to post pictures of their Dads on Tumblr. I think all of you are awesome. At the very least, it made me happy. And hey, admit it: it’s better than the stupid “sexy shoulders” or “bare feet” or “tar & feathered assholes” memes that usually happen here.
But now it’s going to get...
DAD MEME!
I’m going to try to start a meme. Let’s all post pictures of our dads for absolutely no reason.
SEVERE INTESTINAL DISTRESS
I don’t understand people who give up on a restaurant just because they “got sick.” I think these people are weak.
My philosophy is, if it tasted good going down, then anything abnormal that happens after that is my fault. Because look, your tastebuds and your colon aren’t always going to get along. Sometimes they quarrel like siblings. So if my stomach is deciding to be...
12 DAYS OF MADNESS
“The 12 Days of Christmas” is pure lunacy. I don’t even know where to begin.
Nevermind the fact that Christmas doesn’t actually unfold over 12 days. I mean, sure, 12 days of Christmas, that’s cute. It’s a nice thought, isn’t it? Sounds like a lot of fun. I think they even did that in medieval times or something.
But it’s clear to me that this...
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
So I’m back home in Upstate New York for the holidays. I spent 18 years of my life here, which I had previously convinced myself were “miserable years.” But after spending 6 ABSOLUTELY ABYSMAL years in Los Angeles, I’m not so sure…
Anyway, I’m a Halloween enthusiast. And I saved this memento from Halloween ‘02… the Smurfs. Oh, the Smurfs, you say?...
OH SHIT CHECK IT OUT
My friend gave me this original magazine from 1975 with a CitiCar on the cover! COOLEST GIFT EVER.